It’s Back

It’s Back

Is there a protocol of notification?
I know that going left to right you put the salad fork, dinner fork, plate…. what would Ms. Manners say?
Do you call the people you love the most first?
That line of “most” is like putting all the students in 6th grade with ADHD in the front row. Not possible.
Mom first? No, she will need people to talk to.
I hear you calling out – your husband has to be first!
But he is driving home from work. And I need to process and make it more real. Release some of the fear and tears that are wrestling in my eyes and throat making it impossible to breathe.
Love the most. My girls. My girls who I try to protect from my raw fear and emotions because… because why? They are strong. They can take it. They need to know the depth of my love for them. But you can’t call twins simultaneously.
Sarah…. So strong. Her words, “It will be okay, mom” become the echo in my head
Emma… So thoughtful. “What do you need? Do you need us to drive down tonight?”
Then my sister and mom, who will let the family know.
Then Tim… but that will remain off paper. Just between us.

A pause

When do you let people know the cancer is in the liver? Metastatic breast cancer currently has no cure. Friends, current work, past work… Facebook?
Do you wait for the biopsy? Oncology knows it is cancer, the biopsy will tell what kind, what treatment, what chemo… the doctor, “the life expectancy is measured not in decades or months but years.” Years are good. Years allow cures and additional treatments to be found by our brilliant scientists fussing with machines.

As the word gets out, the love that I always knew was there pours in. I find I am an endless vessel filling up with the love and it gives me the strength I need to keep the fear away.

So now you know. It’s back.